To whom it may concern,
Fight or Flight
My therapist, Dr.Bad Bitch Whisperer—or Dr.B as I affectionately call her, would be really proud of me for doing this and sharing it with you.
If you remember by call to stop groupthink in May… in hindsight it felt like I knew this would come at some point this year.
I think that at this point, the “less-harmful” concept that I imagine is that boundaries are the most important thing right now. Because what is non harmful in 2022? Do that even exist? If I practice walking on eggshells I will start falling to pieces. I’m more concerned with meaning and not political or social correctness.
My fight or flight has kicked in and now I want to fight. and I realize that’s not the “right” thing to do. It is violent. It is harmful. And i’m going to stick to the code and fight with only what I was born with to do it. Nothing extra. This is my position of defense.
Sometimes adults humans need to be punched in the face. Word to Will. Physically? Who knows. Probably not. But the only fight my broke ass can afford is that of changing myself and punching down on the psychological bullshit. I’m looking inward, for now. Because what is it about me, that ‘this’ is trying to teach me?
Immediately? My boundaries because I realize that me living in a grey area on many things is a trigger for people who can only see shit in black and white.
So here’s the deal:
- I am first myself, Ashley Stewart, Savage as most of you know me. I realize how much chaos it could bring me to release my government name with what I do, but it’s also a sign of me not giving a fuck any longer and stepping into the agency of a cluster fuck of identities I love. I am not a business. I am not a non-profit. I am for profiting for myself and others in access of my care. I have an LLC which the state requires and I also believes having it helps to provide some benefits to govern myself. I am a self-employed, self governed, human that offers practicing methodology and philosophy to create cash flow for myself. I also have a part-time gig as an independent contractor at a phone store where I earn 8.50/hour which helps me to feel somewhat stable and able to lend a hand when needed. I am alive and I am well. I am loved.
- My associations do not define me they contribute to me. If I’m no longer associated with a thing or claim association with it it’s not because I don’t identify, it’s because my orientation— my perspectives, beliefs and feelings about it have changed. My affiliations the same. They are their own entities as I am my own and we are allowed to part ways. We also are allowed to collaborate with whomever. While I still do what most consider sex work from time to time. I will maintain my associations with cam’ing and “sending nudes” in exchange for money and internet stripping and performing. Though my orientation— my beliefs about what sex work is and what that term means to solidarity have changed ( because I’ve experienced little solidarity). What I have experienced though is friendships in and through that term, which I fuck with.
- I’m not gonna be using Instagram to distribute my creativity in full or intellectual THOTs in storytelling or to study with my digital neighbors. I’m not advocating on IG. It will be for networking — what social media networks I believe are for. I will use it to connect with the people who wish to collaborate with me. I do not seek fans or followers — I’m seeking friends right now, people that’d feel comfortable having my phone number or my personal email. I desire to give and receive fellowship. I will be moving all of the things that provide deep engagement and critical and aesthetic analysis elsewhere. Haven’t decided where it’s gonna land but it needs new territory.
- I am a student, still, and I only wish to be in contact with and around learners and teachers and guides who can facilitate my growth, challenge my thinking by constructive methods and also to allow me to inform and choose my journey.
- Alot of you may consider me an instructor, coach, sensei or teacher as well. While I shy away from that title often, I accept it. To me we are two friends learning from each other. I’m no better than you and you no better than I am. That sort of co-operative nature is something I love about providing sessions and I will continue to do so. I will not make you conform to or transform into something you do not initiate. I will continue to give you the tools physically and mentally to decondition and to see conditioning as something that is complex and artistic. I will encourage you to seek the spiritual learnings that can be extracted from conditioning on your own or invite you to ask— it’s never forced or indoctrinated.
Here is my ask. If any of these things rub you the wrong way, please engage with me in a fight that is wise and can provide wisdom/insight in ways that recognize our complexities ; or engage with me in a flight that bring a still calmness to us both. Here are ways I’d prefer it to be handled:
- Unfollow me. Leave me alone.
- Schedule some time with me to have a phone conversation
- Send me an email with an audio message
- Send me a direct message with audio ( I won’t respond to text based critiques unless accessibility necessitates it )
That’s all I got.
About The Author...
I'm Ashley — or call me by my pole name Savage Seraphim the flame behind the PT project. Conditioning is the sacrifice that fuels the fire. Wanna be dope? Condition for it.